Bannerific SWAGs for the Boston Celtics 2024-25 season

The 2023-24 season exceeded all expectations and delivered a new banner that will be unveiled at the outset of this coming season. So my annual tradition of previewing the year with SWAGs (silly, wild, astounding, guesses) faces a unique challenge. How do I make these SWAGs …well, silly and wild enough? Challenge accepted.

The Celtics finish the regular season 81-1

The Celtics will lose a game sometime in late November and Joe Mazzulla will be so annoyingly gleeful in pointing out all the team’s errors in that game that they all vow not to lose another game just to shut him up.

Jokes on them though because Joe starts keeping track of quarters won and lost. He makes up outrageous contests with prizes tailored to each player. He arranges for Jaylen Brown to have dinner with a former Nobel Peace Prize winner. He builds a miniature sized Busch Stadium in Jayson Tatum’s backyard so Deuce can play wiffleball there.

When the team almost blows a 30-point lead, he has them all thrown into a cage with growling wolves… only to reveal that they are actually just well disguised dogs that just want to play catch.

For team bonding, Joe teams up with a local Escape Room to recreate robbing Fenway Park on location.

Each button he pushes works like a charm and people start referring to him as Savant Mazzulla.

Co-MVPs for Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown

Both shoot 45% from three on high volume. Both put up jaw dropping stats and unselfishly share the ball and the limelight. The ball whips around, people instinctively make the next right pass which (wouldn’t you know it) ends up finding the right people in the right place which usually means Tatum and Brown.

Their chemistry is off the charts as they play a flawless 2-man game, run entire fast breaks without dribbling, and even start to finish each other’s sandwiches. Nobody can figure out who to give the MVP to, so they just make two trophies and hand them to the guys (who immediately pass back and forth just out of habit).

Photo by Barry Chin/The Boston Globe via Getty Images

Co-coach of the Year awards for Joe Mazzulla and Sam Cassell

I know what you are thinking. “I get Joe winning, but how does lead assistant Sam Cassell factor into this?” Well, sometime around Christmas, Mazzulla is going to use his martial arts training to stop a gang of thugs from robbing an orphanage. In the process of fighting, he’ll injure his legs and his doctor will insist on him taking six weeks off.

Cassell will fill in admirably, giving the best sideline interviews and generally lighting up the world with his beaming smile. He’ll go undefeated in his stint, but graciously gives credit to Joe’s leadership and happily hand the clipboard back to Mazzulla in early February.

Co-6th Man awards for Payton Pritchard and Sam Hauser

Both have 50-40-90 seasons (and a high 40’s on 3’s) leading the way on a dominant 2nd unit that would make the play-in game if they were a separate team. “Why just the play-in” you ask? Well, they wouldn’t have a lot of depth with just 9 players. Though I guess you could promote some more Maine Celtics (who are also going to win their league title).

Just give them all the awards

You know what, if this team does end up winning 80+ games, you might as well hand them all the awards. All Star and All-NBA teams, just the Celtics roster. All-Defense, the Celtics starters. Rookie of the Year, Baylor Scheierman. Most Improved, Jordan Walsh.

MTV Music Awards Song of the Year, “Just Do It” by Jaylen Brown. Albert Schweitzer Prize for Humanitarianism co-awarded to Al Horford and Jrue Holiday. Maybe Boston doesn’t win the Clutch awards because there are too many blowouts. Michael Jordan goes on record as saying, “naw, I couldn’t have beat these guys.”

Banner 19

It goes without saying that they’ll raise another banner at the end of all this. They’ll beat tough competition (fully healthy this time) and leave no doubt about who the beat team in the land is.

And of course, a vocal minority in the media will still find ways to second guess and attempt to discredit their accomplishments.

Enjoy the year! Go Celtics!!!